Maria and I were having dinner the other night and were, as we often do, sharing stories from our day. One story got us wondering about our future as parents. Specifically, which one of us will be the “mean parent”? You know, the disciplinarian that keeps the kids in line. The one who will say “no” to that new toy, even though you just know that it will lead to a tantrum. The parent for whom the threat of “Wait till your [insert parent here] gets home” will cause our child to immediately repent of their bad behavior.
We both realize that our roles as parents will naturally develop on their own. There’s only so much you can plan these things out. And there are so many roles we will both be fulfilling as parents: provider, comforter, playmate, teacher, the list goes on and on. But that disciplinarian role is the one that got us thinking: which one of us will it fall to? Here are our thoughts on each other as disciplinarian.
Rob on Why Maria might be the Mean Parent
Maria is undoubtably sweet and nice, but she has some sides to her that you don’t see online. First and foremost, she is a kindergarten teacher. She’s used to keeping a classroom full of five year-olds in line. I know that kids are usually better behaved for their teachers than for their parents, but that’s still a lot of work and takes a certain firm demeanor that even I’m not used to seeing from her.
Second, Maria is, of the two of us, the more opinionated, for lack of a better word. Me, I am probably one of the most go-with-the-flow kind of people out there. There’s very little that I have a strong opinion about and, for the most part, I’m good with whatever, be it the decorations in our house or the TV show that we watch (when Maria can convince me to watch TV).
I have a feeling that my laid-back attitude could easily turn into me being a bit of a pushover when it comes to our kid (especially if we have a girl). Maria, on the other hand, has a lot more experience with children and discipline; which I think will help her in being the parent who sets firm boundaries and rules and enforces them. I don’t doubt that Maria and I will set those boundaries together, but they will definitely be her idea in the first place.
Maria on Why Rob might be the Mean Parent
I can totally see why Rob thinks I am more likely to be the “mean parent”, but don’t let my gentle giant of a husband fool you. I think he has a dark side in him as well.
You can find Rob in a good, accommodating mood 99% of the time. But it’s the other 1% that leads me to believe that he may not be quite the pushover that he considers himself. There are a few specific moments and situations that Rob’s tension and temper get the best of him. It mostly creeps out while he’s driving. Especially in heavier than normal traffic or if someone else on the road makes a poor choice. Rob gets so tense in those moments that it causes my blood pressure to rise just because I’m in the car with him.
There are also occasional moments around the house that catch Rob off guard and can turn his mood in a hurry. He’s a notorious over-reactor to trivial matters (such as splattering food on his shirt while eating, or momentarily losing his footing while carrying something up the steps).
I’ll be the first to admit that I have a lot of firm opinions about how children should act in and out of the home (thanks to my teacher background and pretty my strict father growing up). But I have a lot more practice at holding my tongue and temper, while I try to figure out the best approach to solving the problem and the most-fitting consequence. Poor Rob has never had the experience of feeling his blood boil from watching a child for whom he is responsible make a truly poor choice while biting his tongue and waiting for the proper time to take action.
So who will be the “mean parent”? Will it be Maria with her teacher’s background and her self-discipline? Or will it be me, with my unexpected hard streak? Honestly, I don’t know. We’ll just have to see how things develop. It’s going to be an interesting journey, one way or the other, and Maria and I will explore it together. (Though, let’s be honest, it’s probably going to be her.)
Who do you think it will be?
I think it will probably be Maria. Especially because she is a teacher. I think I hold my own children to a higher standard because of being a teacher and my kids won’t be “those” kids. Plus we are use to it in the classroom. It is hard work and can be annoying at times, but there will be times when the other one comes out to be the “mean” parent. It will work itself out, but just remember that one of you has to be.
On a side note, I was totally called out on being the mean parent a few weeks ago by my oldest because he muttered under his breath to me “Buzz off.” thinking I didn’t hear him. He knows to not say that anymore to anyone. Early bed was not fun for him that night. He also knows not to take what he reads in books and apply them to his own life when it is not right decisions. My husband looked at me that night and was like “What happened?” So I told him and he just backed away with the whole “I see you got this.” look on his face and he knew not to get into that one. All the fun things to look forward to! :)
Haha! I think it will be Maria more often than not, but there’s only one way to find out!
Cute post! Honestly, with my 2 year old… he thinks we’re both the mean parent. He gets disciplined and yelled at by both of us. However, I will say he listens to my husband better than he does to me because I’m naturally gentler with him… just something that comes wit’s giving birth to a human, I think. Haha. I think both of your arguments are good ones but I may lean toward Maria with that teaching background. ;)
Yeah, I have a feeling we’ll both be the mean parent at times, haha! It’ll just be a fun journey to see how things develop. :-)
Ha. You guys are so cute. As I do on most debates, I see both sides. Maria certainly knows how to discipline, but after spending 8+ hours a day with 5 year olds, she must have the patience of a saint. That patience most certainly can come out in her parenting technique. But then again, someone who is 99% of the time easy-going only have a 1% chance of being the “mean” parent :)
My husband and I are due in July and we haven’t talked about this yet. I do know I’d like to brush up on my study of attachment theories and how to create that a healthy bond with my child, as well teaching her how to stay humble, empathetic, and independent. We both have our work cut out for us, huh?
Let’s just start with a lot of love and see how far that takes us. It’ll come easily at least!
Yeah, there’s lots of work ahead. I think it will all come out pretty well in the end, as long as we’re on the same page and work as a team.
I think it may depend a bit on the sex of the baby, as Rob mentioned. I think Rob will definitely have his moments of discipline, but….. Maria is going to be the main one!! I do not think she will ever be “mean”, but firm. I remember my daughter’s kindergarten teacher….. we LOVED that lady!! She helped my daughter so much. Rob and Maria….. enjoy this special time!
We are, thanks! And at least the discipline won’t really be an issue for a little while longer. :-)
I am going to say both :) After three boys there is things that drive me crazy (not picking up after themselves) it turns me into a momzilla, ha! And there is things (video games) that drive my hubby to be the “mean” parent. You will find that each of you have things that will set you off and the other parent will be there to smooth it over.
Oh, that’s an aspect I hadn’t really thought of. It’ll be really interesting to see what our different triggers will be. Thanks!
Neither, I just read the book, Positive Discipline, for a professional development project. I already use very similar strategies in my classroom but have had difficulty translating those to my home life. This book was a game changer for me! I only wish I’d read it before my kids were teenagers. It’s a really great book and I highly recommend reading it sooner rather than later!
Thanks for the recommendation, we’ll have to check it out!
Honestly, and I know this isn’t a response in line with the spirit of this game, I think that it is difficult for all involved if one parent is the disciplinarian. The one parent is always perceived as the “bad guy” whom the children fear upon coming home (at times). And the other parent has given away his/her authority to the disciplinarian, so often that parent is ignored when s/he is attempting to correct misbehavior in the absence of the disciplinarian. The best system is to be on the same page and have each other’s backs in front of your child. And have arguments/discussions later and in private. Sorry. :-/
It’s quite alright! The post was meant to be just a fun post and you’ve captured the approach we will use quite well. In all honesty, Maria and I talk about all important things together and, though I’m not a teacher, I’ve dealt enough with children in my years with younger siblings and Boy Scouts that I know a united front is always key.
The best thing you can do for each other in this realm, no matter who has a more natural tendency toward being the “mean” one is to support each other 100% when it comes to discipline. Agree ahead of time on rules, limits, punishments, etc. There are few things more frustrating as a parent than to have the other parent cave in to the child’s desires instead of providing consistency and supporting what you and your spouse agreed on. The child soon learns that he/she can get their own way from the “easier” parent, which isn’t good for the household dynamic (or the marriage.)
Agreed! And if there’s one thing Maria and I are good at, it’s sitting down, discussing our plans, and following through on them. Whatever we decide, we will do it together.
I’m going with Maria as the firm parent as being a teacher I think the quality is more in her due to her upbringing and what she currently does. I’m using the word firm here not mean because I don’t know either one of them and am basing my opinion strictly on the blog. But I don’t see Rob as a pushover also either in Maria’s description of him. Enjoy your time and looking forward to seeing your little one
I’m sure in the long run it will be a role that both of us will fill, haha! Thanks much, we can’t wait!